Countdown

4 more sleeps until I have to get up and run my second marathon and I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of self doubt.

The questions are always there nagging at the back of my mind like a neighbors dog who just won't stop barking, and no matter where you are in the house the bark bark bark bark is always there.

The questions that are really hammering me at the moment are
- am I fit enough to even attempt this distance?
- what happens if I can't finish?
- why does it all matter?

Running has changed for me, from something I need to do, into something that I am trying to challenge myself with and I don't feel like running at all right now.

So the question becomes how do I get to keep my cake and eat it too...

JFDI seems to be the only way my second marathon is going to happen Just fucking do it. Don't think about it too much, tell yourself you are going to do it, and get off your ass and run on Sunday.

Positive affirmations seem to work wonders on me, on runs where I have not made the distance on reflection I remember the negative thoughts winning on those days. For example I remember thinking why would anyone do this to themselves.

On the more successful runs I was able to quash the negative with positive thoughts like "I am going to run 30k" and repeating it in my head over and over like some weird mantra.

And I guess the issue is that I do think about things way to much, I plan for all sorts of scenarios, and the training of my job has forced my thinking way outside the usual box. This means I play out scenarios to a point where the enter the realm of extremely unlikely.

So I think the message here after a blog filled with metaphors is that I need to swim in a sea of negativity and in the mean time eat right, don't lose any sleep over it and fuck it what happens on the day happens, once it's passed I can run (for at least 6 months or so) for the sake of running, enjoy the morning runs in summertime, and love running again for a bit because I have nothing to prove.